I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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