just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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