She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
