i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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