she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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