You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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