She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will be naked everywhere
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
