You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
