i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
