I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
