im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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