We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
