I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
