I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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