genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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