Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
