mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
