your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
