Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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