I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
