Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
