I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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