Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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