I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
