The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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