That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
