It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
