please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
