I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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