hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
