I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
