I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
