NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
