I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
