i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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