I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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