dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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