my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
