I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Randomize
