my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
