yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
