I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
