my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
