no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
