It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
