If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
