I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
