he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
