Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
