if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
