I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You have to summon your inner elephant
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
