I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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