your room smells of hookers.
And success
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
